Goodbye, Secondhand Stress: How to Deal With Toxic Coworkers

It’s bright and early Monday morning, you’ve got a coffee in hand, and you’re ready to tackle the week. There’s positivity in the air and you’re feeling optimistic – that is, until you open your inbox to find a passive aggressive email from that coworker. It’s a scenario many of us are familiar with: finding your workday is at the mercy of a manager or colleague who is riddled with negativity and a difficult attitude. 

In this article, you’ll learn how to deal with toxic coworkers and take back your peace at work. 

We’ll uncover: 

• What is secondhand stress? 

• Strategies for coping with stressful coworkers 

• How to create more mindful workspaces that foster positivity 

Let’s explore how to turn your challenges with stressful coworkers into opportunities for growth. 

What is secondhand stress? 

Humans are wired for empathy. The same way you feel an urge to yawn when someone else yawns, your brain picks up on subconscious cues from others – and unfortunately, that includes signals of stress, negativity, and uncertainty. In fact, one study found that our cortisol levels can spike just by seeing someone who appears stressed. So if you have a colleague that gives off negative energy, how can you minimise your secondhand stress? 

Strategies for coping with stressful coworkers  

It’s easy to feel powerless when others’ attitudes are bringing you down. But stoic wisdom offers a powerful tool for regaining control: the distinction between "what is up to us and what is not up to us." This concept invites you to focus on your circle of influence, which encompasses two aspects: your attitude and your actions. 

Consider creating two lists in stressful situations – one detailing what is within your control (your reactions and your behaviour) and another for what is beyond your reach (other people's attitudes, workplace culture, assigned tasks). The struggle to control the uncontrollable only fuels your stress, but by understanding what’s inside your circle of influence, you can proactively take back control of any situation. 

Here are four strategies for how to deal with toxic coworkers that are entirely within your control. 

1. Set your day up for success  

Don’t underestimate the power of your morning routine. If you come to work tired, irritated and unprepared, it diminishes your ability to tackle challenges that will inevitably surface. Starting your day in a proactive headspace helps you to show up with optimism and energy, making you more resilient against others’ attitudes and behaviours. 

Here are a few simple practices to start your day on the right foot: 

• Eat a nutritious, balanced breakfast with plenty of water (ask yourself: what foods help me stay full, energized and feeling nourished?)

• Exercise or meditate to release your happy hormones 

• Write and reflect in your Mindful Mornings Journal 

2. Control how you communicate 

You can’t control your coworker’s attitude, but you can control how you respond. Here are four communication techniques that could result in more positive interactions: 

• Start your interactions on a positive note — Research shows that upfront positivity tends to set the tone and can increase your likelihood of having a constructive conversation. Instead of letting them start the conversation with a complaint about the weather, your clients, or the latest salacious office gossip, begin your interaction by sharing a win you recently experienced (personally or professionally), or ask them, “What’s been going well for you lately?” 

• Set clear boundaries — If your coworker is constantly bringing up uncomfortable conversations on hot-button issues, consider gently (but firmly) letting them know that you like to keep your workplace interactions focused on work. 

• Ask if they are open to feedback — It’s possible your coworker doesn’t understand the impact their attitude is having on others, so a little constructive feedback can go a long way. First, try to gauge their openness and pick an appropriate way to approach your feedback delivery.

• Prepare with mindfulness — Before interactions with this person, prepare yourself mentally with mindfulness practices, like a brief meditation or breathwork exercise. This will help you approach your conversations more calmly and clear-headed, rather than defensive or irritated. 

3. Seek to understand others

When you’re feeling triggered by your coworker's behaviour, try to cultivate compassion. Start with yourself, acknowledging how tough this is for you and giving yourself credit for trying to handle it with grace. Then, try a little empathy on for size with your challenging coworker. 

Push yourself to ask questions to get to know them, understand their struggles, and recognize their humanity. The more you get to know them, the more you may uncover similarities between you that will allow you to feel for them. This simple exercise in empathy can take the edge off your interactions. 

4. Take care of yourself first 

At the end of the day, stress doesn't really care where it comes from – be it the traffic jam, negativity on the news, or the people you work with. It all interferes with the same nervous system. The good news? You already have a toolkit of stress-relieving strategies at your disposal, whether it’s practicing mindfulness, exercising, or venting to a friend. 

If you've tried all the tools and you're still feeling the weight of it all, it might be time to consider whether staying in your current situation is worth the toll it's taking on your well-being. Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to step away and find an environment that supports your peace of mind.

Create mindful workspaces that reduce stress and foster positivity

Learning how to deal with toxic coworkers teaches empathy and nurtures a positive workplace. My Mindful Workplace Training is designed to help your team cultivate an environment where people will want to work both with and for them. Explore the training topics that have helped teams like yours to not only survive, but thrive.